A Beautiful Mess

I used to think that I was not a perfectionist. How could I be? Afterall, I am far from perfect. It was not until my first time in treatment where I learned that perfectionists are not perfect, they strive to be perfect. I thought long and hard about this until coming to the conclusion that, yes, I am a perfectionist. Now, this post is not really on perfectionism, per se, but I am more than happy to do a post centered around that if you all would like! This post is more about my struggle and reflections on the broad topic: my struggle with not being perfect and feeling the pressure to be perfect all of the time, in my recovery and really in every aspect of my life.

Today I was hanging out with my best friend. We met up in Starbucks and chatted for a while, and then we went shopping. I was really wanting to go and look around in the store Francesca’s. My friend loves this store, too, so we went. Of course I found a million things that I loved and could have bought. I am not sure if this is part of my OCD, but whenever it comes to making purchases, I am SO very indecisive. I thoroughly look at everything that I like, compare prices, quality, and weigh out the pros and cons to buying the item. I think through where and how I will use the item, and try to predict if it will be a worth while purchase. Now, this may just sound like being frugal or careful, and there is nothing wrong with that! But I think this goes a step further for me, it consumes my mind and after my purchase I have a never ending spiral of thoughts and feelings of guilt. Anyways, I am digressing a bit. What I really wanted to get to was that, after much contemplating, going back and forth, and feeling a bit embarrassed about how long it was taking me to come to a decision, I decided to buy a shirt. My friend picked this shirt out when we first went into the store. I liked it, but convinced myself I was not going to buy it. At the last minute I decided to get this shirt too. I really liked the message that was written on the shirt. It read: what a beautiful mess.

A beautiful mess. Those words just resonated with me so much. I could identify with them, and it was almost like that shirt was made for me…because that’s EXACTLY how I feel sometimes. Normally, I would tell you that I just feel like a plain, old mess (haha!). But I like adding the ‘beautiful’ in there, because well, it puts a positive spin to the phrase! We are all beautiful in our own unique ways, regardless if we are, or perceive ourselves to be, a mess.

Today I was experiencing feelings of immense guilt over the fact that I am not always perfect in my recovery. There are reasons for feeling this way that I am not going to share here, but I will say that certain actions and events that took place lead me to feeling like I just am. never. good. enough. No matter what I do, it is never enough! Sometimes I feel like I am jumping to reach a bar, or set of standards that are held for me, but can never quite make it to that level, you know? That is when I have to remember that I am NOT perfect, and that is okay. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I am good enough. And when no one else reminds me, it is up to me to remind myself. Then, there is the issue of saying “oh well, I am not perfect so I will continue to slip today and not try” (referencing to using ED behaviors) because I am guilty of thinking this way as well! I think it is important to find a healthy balance, to be somewhere in the middle. As a person who has never really been, well, balanced, this is a difficult task to accomplish!

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A beautiful mess. I like those words, that phrase. No one has it 100% together all of the time. Even when you think someone does, there is always something going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about. We cannot judge a book by it’s cover. I think that each and every one of us are just beautiful messes trying the best that we can.

Much love,

Claire

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3 thoughts on “A Beautiful Mess

  1. I had such a fun time with you today and I’m proud of you for buying something. When I am shopping, my OCD brain gets in the way too, but in a different way. I tend to pick up the first thing I like and carry it around the store because if I am empty handed, I will rummage through the store and want to purchase everything! But then I contemplate the entire time whether or not I should make the purchase that I am carrying around. There were so many things that I wanted today, and like you said, I weighed out the pros and cons. I’ll share some of the pros: I am going to wear this shirt ALL THE TIME! It’s super cozy and washes nicely and the statement is good to look at on a rough day. Plus, I am less likely to lose it (unlike when I buy jewelry). I have so much more to say on this topic, but I will end up writing a novel.

    Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Wanting to buy everything is definitely something that I struggle with too haha! But yes, it was a lot of fun! So glad we could hangout! I hope you had a good Easter lovely 💖🌸

      Liked by 1 person

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