Rise Again

Hello loves. I know that Fridays are usually the day that I create my “fun” post, but I am sorry to say that I do not have a light, fun post for you all today, rather a more serious and heavy one, and I apologize.

IMG_1273

Eating disorders. They really know how to screw with your brain. Today I had two appointments: one with my dietician and the other with my therapist. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I felt my heart racing and I was shaking and trembling beyond belief. I could not even send out a text to my friend because my hands were shaking that bad. I am not sure what brought it on…maybe the fact that I took an exam right before and it was super difficult and I am very nervous about the outcome, or maybe I was nervous about my appointments…I don’t know. I could have also been having symptoms of POTS. ANYWAYS, I went in to my dietician’s office and could barely balance enough to step on the scale. She looked at me and said: “you are having an adrenaline surge. You are panicking. If you have your medication I want you to take it.” So I pulled my Xanax out of my purse and took it, and within 5 – 10 minutes I felt my body start to calm down and we could continue on with my appointment. The appointment was not a bad one, but I have to say I left feeling more worried and anxious about eating and food leaving then I did going in.

IMG_1270

My therapy appointment went well. Although we did not talk much about my ED, we did discuss my OCD and anxiety which have been causing me problems recently. It was good we discussed this because it is something that we needed to address. But going home I felt a pit in my stomach. Something wasn’t right. It was almost time for dinner and we were ordering Chinese food. I like Chinese food…and that is a problem. I cannot eat good food, food that I like or enjoy. I am not allowed to. I simply don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve food in general, and I don’t need it. Those are the thoughts that were running through my head and that have been haunting me all evening. They hurt and the each thought is like a punch in the stomach, but I can’t help but entertain them. They are too strong to ignore or to fight right now.

Even though I feel huge, undeserving, and more realistically: extremely uncomfortable in my own skin, I am going to try to keep on going. I need to pick myself up and continue to do what I need to do to get well.

rise again

Tell Me: What do you do when your ED thoughts are strong? How do you fight back when you have urges to restrict? I would love to hear from you…some support would be much appreciated ❤

Have a good night loves and a wonderful weekend

~BellaX0

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Rise Again

  1. xxx aw BellaXo xxx sending you gentle kind hugs right now xxxx i’m sorry to hear the ed thoughts are giving you such a hard time. I also feel like my brain is fried at the moment 😦 I made that list of reasons why I don’t want to restrict and it did help me but I feel like I need to make a list like that every day maybe until this time passes. At the moment my strategy is to remember that these thoughts are symptoms of my eating disorder, they’re not truths – I also have these exact thoughts that you mention, of not deserving or needing food… but I do need and deserve food. And so do you xxx We’re only human and our bodies, minds and hearts need and deserve food. xxx sometimes I tell myself I’m only eating because I know someone I love wants me to eat and I can focus on that and block out the ed thoughts for a while. I also make an effort to reach out for help, I rang the helpline yesterday just to talk about how my mind was just circling constantly. I’m going to try and up my self-care a little too – buying a book and a new bag online and taking a walk and a bath later – just to send a message to myself that I’m worth caring for. You’re worth caring for too xxx take care of that lovely, generous heart and write again soon if it helps xxx big hugs and love Em

    Like

    1. Em, thank you so much for your kind words and support! You are right, the truth is that every person deserves food, our EDs just tell us lies. You have some great ideas. Making a list sounds like it is very helpful and of course self care strategies are important. I love your idea of a picture gallery!! We should try to figure that out and yes! Pinterest is great thank you for sharing that! 💖 xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. xxx you’re welcome lady, thanks for being honest about what you’re going through xxx yay for the pictures and self-care strategies xxx hugs, Em

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s