Hello loves. I know that Fridays are usually the day that I create my “fun” post, but I am sorry to say that I do not have a light, fun post for you all today, rather a more serious and heavy one, and I apologize.
Eating disorders. They really know how to screw with your brain. Today I had two appointments: one with my dietician and the other with my therapist. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I felt my heart racing and I was shaking and trembling beyond belief. I could not even send out a text to my friend because my hands were shaking that bad. I am not sure what brought it on…maybe the fact that I took an exam right before and it was super difficult and I am very nervous about the outcome, or maybe I was nervous about my appointments…I don’t know. I could have also been having symptoms of POTS. ANYWAYS, I went in to my dietician’s office and could barely balance enough to step on the scale. She looked at me and said: “you are having an adrenaline surge. You are panicking. If you have your medication I want you to take it.” So I pulled my Xanax out of my purse and took it, and within 5 – 10 minutes I felt my body start to calm down and we could continue on with my appointment. The appointment was not a bad one, but I have to say I left feeling more worried and anxious about eating and food leaving then I did going in.
My therapy appointment went well. Although we did not talk much about my ED, we did discuss my OCD and anxiety which have been causing me problems recently. It was good we discussed this because it is something that we needed to address. But going home I felt a pit in my stomach. Something wasn’t right. It was almost time for dinner and we were ordering Chinese food. I like Chinese food…and that is a problem. I cannot eat good food, food that I like or enjoy. I am not allowed to. I simply don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve food in general, and I don’t need it. Those are the thoughts that were running through my head and that have been haunting me all evening. They hurt and the each thought is like a punch in the stomach, but I can’t help but entertain them. They are too strong to ignore or to fight right now.
Even though I feel huge, undeserving, and more realistically: extremely uncomfortable in my own skin, I am going to try to keep on going. I need to pick myself up and continue to do what I need to do to get well.
Tell Me: What do you do when your ED thoughts are strong? How do you fight back when you have urges to restrict? I would love to hear from you…some support would be much appreciated ❤
Have a good night loves and a wonderful weekend