Hello loves! I hope all of your weekends are going well. Today I thought I would write a post on something that has been haunting me for years: OCD. Why? Well, because it is a huge part of my life and something that I have really been struggling with, particularly this weekend. Also, I do not normally discuss my OCD, but since it is giving me a rough go, and I know there are others out there suffering from the same thing, why not? So…let us begin!
What is OCD? There are vast ranges of obsessions and compulsions in obsessive compulsive disorder. For me, it is not being able to watch sad movies that involve sickness and death, it is being plagued by thoughts of self-doubt, it is the strong fear of uncertainty and inability to make the smallest decisions, the constant need to feel like I am “safe” and that others around me are “safe”, as well. It is feeling responsible for everyone else and their decisions and safety, it is the intense fear of doing anything immoral or wrong, and the consequences that might go along with that: What if I just sinned? What if I am really a bad person? What if I don’t go to heaven?
Do I sound crazy yet? I sound pretty crazy to myself to be quite honest. That is the thing about OCD, though – it makes you question your own sanity. It makes you question everything. It even makes me question and doubt that I HAVE OCD! And that is something I can obsessively think about and become upset over.
Part of me feels very nervous and vulnerable writing about this, but I think it is good for me, too. Getting this out and writing a post on the disorder that has brought a significant amount of chaos into my life helps me to confirm that OCD IS something I struggle with, and that is okay. Now after I post this, you better believe that I will have thoughts running through my head such as “Why did you post that? You don’t have OCD! You are a liar, You are such a bad person, You made the wrong decision to write a post like this!”. Well, I am telling myself now that although that may happen, if I read through the beginning part of this post, those are STILL symptoms of my OCD. I am telling myself now, that I have a right to talk about this part of my life. I am telling myself now, that I should NOT have to be ashamed or worried about what people might think. I do not need to question whether or not it is okay to share this, because as my therapist told me the other day, I need to say to myself sometimes “I really just don’t give a shit.” That is probably some of the best advice that I have been given: to repeat this phrase throughout the week in response to certain circumstances and events. I am always so busy and consumed with caring about every little thing. There are some things that I just need to let go of and NOT care about because, well, it is not my job to be responsible for everything. This is a very difficult concept for me, but that just means that I need to constantly put this ideal into practice. OCD can be manageable. For some, it is even possible to overcome the disorder and get better. It has been a long journey with this illness, but I am not giving up. I hope that one day things will be different and the way I think will be changed for the better. Until next time,