It’s a hard day. Earlier today I had an appointment with my Nutritionist who I have not seen in over a month. It went well, but not at the same time. In the appointment I felt all of the stress from events in my life building up until I was crying. My dietician asked me what was wrong. My response: everything. The second thing that I found pouring out of my mouth was “I just miss my old body. I don’t know if I can tolerate being this size.”
But I have to. No matter how hard this is and how big the challenges are that I have to face I NEED to keep moving forward, not backward. I would not say that I am in this bad of a place everyday, but I would be lying if I said that I was fully recovered, did not have any more struggles, and was completely accepting of my body at it’s natural weight. This is hard…SO hard. When other aspects of my life are falling apart I could always rely on my eating disorder. But I can’t do that anymore. I cannot use my eating disorder to hide. I certainly cannot let myself become as sick as I have been in the past, because that is only going to worsen my health conditions that I am struggling with now. That being said, part of me still wants that. It is safe, comfortable, and what I have known for a very long time now. It is going to take a lot of hard work, time, and effort on my part to conquer this beast that has been haunting me for years. I am not going to give up. I may struggle and it may be one step forward one step back, but I am determined. I can’t live like this anymore; I am a prisoner trapped in my own body. I want to experience freedom, love and acceptance. I want to be okay with body and okay with who I am. Recovery is not easy, but from what I have seen and experienced, it is very worth it. There is always hope < 3.
For anyone struggling with an eating disorder or any other mental health issue: DO NOT give up. Keep fighting. You are worth it and you are not in this alone. xx