Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a wonderful Wednesday!
So this morning I had a doctors appointment with my eating disorder specialist doctor. I thought this would be just like any other appointment. What I did not realize, however, is that I would get more from this appointment than I anticipated; seeing my doctor today actually enabled me to learn more about myself and helped me to grow as a person. How you ask? Well, let me tell you…
I knew going into this appointment that I wanted to speak up to my doctor and be honest about how I am feeling and what is going on. I would say that I was more successful than I thought I would be. My doctor gives me a hard time when she sees me using my walker. Now let me say this: she is a very smart woman but a doctor who specializes in eating disorders, not EDS, POTS, or Dysautonomia. So to avoid constant badgering and annoying comments I left my walker in the car-still just as dizzy and unsteady as always. When I first saw my doctor, she made a big deal about me not having my walker-just like I thought she would-but I felt a fire within me and piped up saying to her “Well I didn’t want to bring it in because I am tired of feeling stupid when I use it here.” Now my mother later told me that she would have said it in a different way, but this ‘standing up for myself’ mentality is pretty much a foreign concept to me. I did the best I could. The other part of the appointment that I was honest, real, and open with her about was how my therapy sessions have been going. I really do like my therapist, but recently I have felt as if we are no longer clicking. I get out of sessions early, I talk and share how I am feeling giving her plenty to work with, but she is not seeming to pick up on it and is focused on only one thing: my OCD. Although this does need work, there are a lot of other issues that are present in my life, as well, including my medical issues that no one seems to understand and my eating disorder. I voiced all of these concerns to my doctor, who then told me that I need to be able to tell my therapist this. She called it ‘working on my personal empowerment.’ This is all well and good, but it is VERY difficult for me to work on personal empowerment when it involves telling my therapist that I have not been happy with how our sessions have been going. I am afraid. Afraid that I will hurt her feelings, afraid that she will become angry or hurt, afraid that I will say everything the wrong way, afraid what I am saying will come out sounding mean. I am terrified of the whole situation. I told my doctor that this would be a very hard thing for me, and she told me to try writing it down on a piece of paper and giving that paper to my therapist…personal empowerment.
Anyways, I left that appointment not scheduling another one because I was overall disappointed in how it went and I felt like this doctor was not really meeting my needs. Of course when I got home, my OCD had to put it’s two sense in and tell me that I am just making everything up and it is all in my head. After a good meltdown, I can now see that it is irrational to think that way. I am the only one who knows how I truly feel. I need to trust myself and trust my gut and instincts. I need to speak up to my therapist so this issue can be resolved. It is not going to be easy, and just the thought sends my stomach into butterflies, but I need to learn to advocate for myself. You, yourself are your own best advocate.
I would love to know…have any of you had this issue before? Are you afraid to speak up for yourself and tell it like it is? Are you constantly worried about hurting others feelings so you stay quiet or clam up? How do you deal with it? I would love to hear from you guys!